Buhari’s impotence versus Dino’s opulence
Buhari’s impotence versus Dino’s opulence
Tunde Odesola
(Published in The PUNCH of Monday, May 20, 2019)
Not every cat has nine lives. This cat had only one, but lost it on Tuesday, May 14, 2019 in faraway Morristown, Arizona, USA, despite being the most popular pussycat on social media with a fan base of 8.5 million people on Facebook, 2.4 million on Instagram and 1.5 million on Twitter. Her real name is Tardar Sauce while her business name is Grumpy Cat. The cat became an internet celebrity when the picture of her scowl of contempt hit the cyberspace in September 2012. Aged seven, the little cat passed away peacefully in the hands of her mom and owner, Tabatha Bundesen, last week, after complications arose from a urinary tract infection, her family wrote on Twitter.
The feline is richer than over 96 per cent of the world’s population as her visage, according to The New York Times became the “meme of the Year at the 2013 Webby Awards, her likeness appeared nearly on 900 items in an official shop, she made a television advertisement for Honey Nut Cheerios, and became the official ‘spokescat’ of Friskies, a cat food brand; starred in a movie, Grumpy Cat’s Worse Christmas Ever, was on the cover of New York Magazine and her book hit No 7 on The New York Times’ list.” Grumpy Cat not only owned her own coffee, she also appeared on MTV Movie Awards, Sesame Street and World Wrestling Entertainment (RAW).
About Grumpy Cat’s worth, The New York Times says, “Estimates ranged widely on how much Grumpy Cat was worth, though Ms. Bundesen disputed a 2014 report that the cat had earned her $100m.” In 2018, Bundesen won $710,000 in a copyright infringement suit against a coffee company that illegally used the cat’s rights. Diagnosed of feline dwarfism, which presumably accounted for her distinctive facial look and pint size, Grumpy Cat’s scowl brought smiles to millions of faces around the world.
For me, however, the scowl was a figurative disapproval of the wave of bloodletting, poverty, hunger, fear, lack, injustice and degradation prevalent in Nigeria, in particular; and around the world, in general. Like Grumpy Cat, I think the Nigerians should look down with intense contempt on their leaders, whose sole responsibility in power appears to be stealing and plundering. I think the Grumpy Cat’s scowl on Nigerian leaders should be accompanied with several scratches of the claws and spitting to the eyes to rouse them from their cesspit of dishonor.
Can the scowl and the claws and the spits of the cat hurt the dinosaur? I know not. Despite living only for seven years, Grumpy Cat lived a fulfilled life. But the same thing cannot be said of the dinosaur, the extinct prehistoric reptile. For me, the fearsome image of a monstrous, thick-skinned and all-destructive, fire-spitting reptile ambling on hind feet comes to mind whenever the dinosaur is mentioned. I’m not an anthropologist. So, I don’t know the causes of the dinosaurs’ extinction. Going by the guzzling nature of the beast I’ve seen in films, however, greed could be one of the reasons for its extinction.
What’s even the meaning of dinosaur? Gimme a minute to quickly dash online to see what Google has to say… (pause). Haa! Google says dinosaur means ‘terrible lizard!’ Jeeesuu! The online search engine further says ‘dino’ means ‘terrible’ while ‘saur’ means ‘lizard’. Ha!
In Italy, however, ‘Dino’ is a boy’s name, it also means ‘little sword’. I know a handful of great personalities who bear the name Dino. The iconic Italian goalkeeper and captain of the 1980s, Dino Zoff, was the oldest winner of the World Cup at 40. Dino Dini is the creator of football video games just as Dino Rossi is an American politician and businessman.
Nigeria has her own Dino, too. He’s the gallant son of Melaye and a senator of the Peoples Democratic Party. Our Dino is greater than all other Dinos. Our Dino is young and strong and bold and beloved. Our handsome Dino can do anything and everything. He can act, compose, sing, dance, hawk, party, wear a convocation gown to the Senate and threaten to kill himself in order to implicate the police. Our tall Dino not only has various brands of exotic cars in his palatial residence, he even has one right inside his living room, probably for him to sleep inside it should the image of the gaunt, stick-wielding herdsman from Katsina come haunting him on his large bed at night. If he sleeps inside the powerful car in his living room, I trust Dino to crush the herdsman and his cattle of witch-hunting financial crime detectives and bias police should they appear in his sleep or nightmare. A clear conscience fears no accusation, goes the popular saying. Our Dino hasn’t murdered sleep, so, he can soundly sleep anywhere – even in a matchbox! From the soapbox, Dino is expected by his fans to drop another single after his “Ajekun Iya” blockbuster. The title of the awaited single is likely to be “Buhari, gbe bodi e!” or “Na dem!”
If Dino seeks to crush murderous herdsmen in his sleep, someone in Abuja seeks to protect them perpetually. His name is Mallam Muhammadu Buhari. President Buhari made his unhidden intention known last week through his media aide, Garba Shehu, who described the killer association of herdsmen in Nigeria as a socio-cultural organization. In his leaky wisdom, Garba said the killer group shouldn’t be criminalized, but accorded respect and honor befitting of the Afenifere and Ohanaeze social-cultural groups. Garba isn’t loud like Dino. He is intelligent and he has a way with words.
Gabber Singh, the antagonist in the highest grossing movie in India cinema history, Sholay, produced in 1975, has a way with words, too. Amjad Khan, who acted the role of Gabber Singh, shone through a thick cast of superstars which include Dharmendra, Amitabh Bachchan and Hema Malini. Like Nigeria’s herdsmen, Gabber leads a group in looting and plundering Indian villages, deploying his murderous personality to unleash bloodshed, mayhem and agony.
I don’t see Buhari’s Garba in the same light I see Indian’s Gabber – in terms of physical bloodiness, but some of mankind’s bloodiest wars were known to have broken out on the cusp of thoughtless speeches. Upon rereading Garba’s statement just now, I, hereby, withdraw my earlier reference in this article to Garba as an intelligent personality. I can’t believe he said, “It (Miyetti Allah) is a socio-cultural group. There are criminals within the Yoruba race and you cannot say because of that, Afenifere is a group of criminals.”
I would’ve asked Garba some questions if his oga, Buhari, could produce proofs of his attending a primary or secondary school. But I won’t ask Garba no questions because I don’t want depthless answers. I, nonetheless, will leave the discerning readers of this article to ponder on whether or not Afenifere or Ohanaeze has ever been accused of killing another man’s fowl in this country, let alone wipe out whole villages.
When a servant openly justifies innocent killings and his oga keeps silent, death is on the roof of every household. The dog of the king is the king of dogs, I know. I also know that the dog fated to get lost won’t listen to the hunter’s whistle. This particular dog is lost.
You can accuse Buhari’s All Progressives Congress of making Nigeria worse than Goodluck Jonathan left it in terms of security, but you can’t accuse the party of minting absurd excuses to cover its shameful lameness. In the next four years, excuses will cascade down from Ass-o-Roc like rain bore down on earth during the time of Noah.
NB: Happy birthday to my pastor at the Redeemed Christian Church of God, Jesus House, Huntsville, Alabama, Mr Peter Oyediran, who hit the golden age a few days ago.
Email: tundeodes2003@yahoo.com
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